Grief is Never Gone

A year ago, we put Dad into memory care. Not long after, I wrote a blog post titled A Thousand Goodbyes. I wrote it on a Tuesday – the day of the week the girls and I went to help Dad at home and then the day I typically went to visit Dad once he was in memory care. Some weeks, more days than others, but Tuesday’s especially.

Today is Tuesday and the first “normal” Tuesday in terms of being back into a regular routine. While I’ve been riding the waves, this morning just felt heavy and hard until I realized it is Tuesday and this time, there’s no going to visit Dad.

“Dementia steals memories, moments and just so many things. Today is Tuesday. Rachel knows it is Tuesday. She had a rough morning and I couldn’t figure out why. Until I sat her down and waited patiently for her to talk. And when she finally did she said she’s sad and misses her time on Tuesday’s with Grandpa.”

I’m sad, and I miss my time on Tuesday’s, too.

You know, it’s just not fair; grieving over losing someone, who was still here, for such a long span of time So many times I wrote how it was just so dang hard living this long, drawn out goodbye. On one hand, I would try to find the positive and remind myself that I’m fortunate to even be able to say goodbye. So many have someone they love taken from them without warning. Yet, to pretend that there haven’t been many painful moments since Dad was diagnosed would be to deny my being human.

I grieved when I realized his ability to write was gone, I grieved the times it seemed as though he didn’t know who I was, I grieved when he needed more and more help with his basic cares, I grieved when he stopped speaking.

Now, it just seems so unfair that I’m grieving all over again.

“There have been times where I’ve said I’m just sick of being sad and I’m sick of the cycle of anger, denial, and acceptance and la-di-da… There are times where I’ve tried to convince myself that I will get to this certain “point” where the grief will be gone.

I’m no stranger to the fact that there is no cookie cutter way to work through grief. At this point, I’m no stranger to the stages of grief and that some days I can go through all stages in a matter of an hour. Some days I can go about the day and get things done and all seems okay. Then, on what seems like a “normal” day, paperwork for some of Dad’s financials come in the mail or it’s Tuesday or the girls ask about Grandma being a widow and it’s just so dang hard.

Today, I’m feeling angry and I’m feeling like I’m in an “it’s not fair” kind of mood.

I’m angry because it’s Tuesday and I can’t visit Dad.

I’m angry because I don’t want to be filling out financial paperwork because I have a deceased loved one.

I’m angry because it breaks my heart to think of my Mom as a widow.

“Truth is I’ve been saying goodbye ever since we learned Dad had dementia. Truth is, the grief will never be gone; I will never get to that “point”; I’ll never get over it or move on. I will "live although grieving". I’ll say a thousand more goodbyes as this journey twists and winds until it sadly ends.”

Today, I don't know where I am. But I'm learning how this will become woven into the fabric of my story. I'm breathing and scanning the horizon and looking for familiar things. I won't get over or move on. The journey had "ended" yet the grief will never be gone.