Almost Missed It!

Tonight was family movie night. Toward the end, I had all three girls cuddling with me and I thought “I don’t slow down and do this nearly enough.” Yet, 5 minutes later I’m rushing to get laundry away and harping on the girls to get their rooms picked up and their jammies on.

Lydia says, “hey Mom” and comes into my room with a smile on her face like she has something really important to say. But instead of stopping what I was doing and listening to her, I shushed her and told her to finish picking up her room. She walked away without a word. The second I did it, that voice in my head chided me and told me to stop and go listen. Because she had a pep in her step, a smile on her face and it was important to her.

So, I went and sat on her bed while she sat on her floor, picking up her things like I asked. I asked her what it was she wanted to tell me and for a moment, she hesitated and didn’t look at me. I had pushed her away once; I don’t blame her one bit for being skittish in wanting to talk to me. And in that moment I knew I had let her down. This already on top of the guilt I’ve felt the last 2 days for getting frustrated that she seems to throw up with the tiniest of colds. I’ve not been the best mom to her when she hasn’t been feeling well.

Now, Lydia is not the most affectionate kid and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It just means that oftentimes it’s hard for me to know exactly how to show her love in the way she needs. So, understand my complete and utter amazement when after a moment of hesitation Lydia got up off the floor, crawled into my lap, buried her head in my chest and said “I love you Mom.” Break my heart and make me smile all at the same time.

Break my heart because all that guilt of not being there for her hung over my head. I’ve yelled at all the girls this week, I’ve walked away in frustration. I’ve done all the things I keep telling myself I want to stop doing so I can be a better mom. The smile, well… Because in that moment Lydia gave me forgiveness in the midst of not being the greatest mom. She helped shove away those fears I have of never being good enough as a mom.

And to think, I almost missed that! Yet again, I was too focused on the busy to-do’s rather than living in the moment with my girls!!

Something’s changed in the past couple years; I’m not exactly sure when it happened. If I were a bettin' girl I'd say it happened in the midst of the chaos of raising babies and now maintaining a household with 3 young kids and a hardworking husband. I got lost and weighed down with the responsibilities of caring for everyone else.

There are many days I hate that I’m in my head too much. I hate that I worry and overanalyze and sometimes become paralyzed in making decisions. Sometimes I think I'm too in tune to other people. I hate that I have spent the past couple years chasing “happy” and then not being able to snap out of it because I can’t seem to find that happy. I’ve allowed myself to be more bogged down by the loads of unwashed laundry and dirty floors rather than open my eyes and my heart to all the things my kids are teaching me. Yes, they take a lot from me. I’m out of patience by 5pm and exhausted by 9pm. If only I would stop more often and look at all they give me when I’ve just been too self-absorbed to truly see it.

Sure I need to find the balance so that I can be confident and make decisions. Sure, I need to balance the worry and learn to not take things too personally. Yes, sometimes I need to tune out from others and take better care of myself. But, in all my trying to chase some happy that I can’t seem to find, I forgot that sometimes being in my head is okay...

Because it is what makes me, me. It causes me to be in tune to others and allows me to put my heart on my sleeve and be a little vulnerable to the world. It allows me (when I let it) to listen to my kids, show them I care and truly see them for who they are. Even after some of my worst mom moments. It allows me to be in relationship with my kids. I’ve been given the ability to not be ashamed of slowing down and seeking the beauty in life. I’ve been given the gift to be counter-cultural and truly believe that sometimes in this life less is more. Because in the less is where more beauty is.

So thank you my high energy, often exhausting, but dearly sweet child. Thank you for that hug. Thank you for telling me you love me. Thank you for filling my cup. Thank you God for that little voice in my head for helping me to snap out of it and to stop and truly see the beauty again. I’m so glad I didn’t miss it!