My Motherhood Confession

I go to this blog Finding Joy when I need to be reminded that I am not perfect, when I need encouragement during the isolating winters or when I’m feeling alone in Stay at Home Mom land. I read this post yesterday and I had a major "Ah ha moment". I finally heard someone tell me it was okay to admit where I’m at in my own motherhood journey.

“Do you know what I think? I think it’s normal to not like motherhood sometimes. Yep. I said it. So what do you do if you’re in that spot? That not liking of motherhood moment place in life and yet here you are – a mom?

The truth is that we all need authentic real moms who are able and willing to mention where they are in this journey." (Rachel Martin, findingjoy.net).

 

I’m trying to be authentic by admitting I have been in a stage of not liking motherhood. That in and of itself is a horrible feeling. On top of that, boy have I felt the guilt. Because I felt called to this path and I chose this path. I chose to keep my kids at home versus preschool or daycare. I chose to have kids close together in age. I chose all of this. So how terrible it has been to feel these feelings when not only did I choose this path, but I have been blessed with three beautiful, healthy little girls! But, I’m being completely honest when I say that for a while now, I have been burnt out on this whole motherhood thing. It’s been real difficult to see the beauty in the midst of washing dirty diapers, toilet training, tantrums, a husband who (though he works incredibly hard) tends to overcommit, stomach bugs, starting a small business, the list goes on. Do you know how emotionally and physically exhausting it has been to feel these feelings and to try to hide and deny them for so long?

Why haven’t I liked motherhood lately? Well, the monotony of caretaking, bookkeeping, washing clothes, making meals, listening to screaming, etc. can get a little wearing on the soul after 6 years. However, the biggest part of my problem has been not accepting the fact that with a third child meant even more of a complete giving of myself I wasn’t totally ready for. And I haven’t been willing to accept that I’m outnumbered and there’s no way to keep up the pace I had before 3 kids. It is a life giving work that at the end of many days has left me feeling like I have no life left. I’ve given up so much of myself to my kids that I’ve completely forgotten me. There was a time where I would have thought that was selfish, but I have now realized how completely important it is to keep sight of who you are; to keep doing some of the things you love to do. Because in the end if you give all that up and you’re unhappy, your kids are in direct line of that unhappiness. So, this is of my own doing. I haven’t come to terms with life changes or taken care of myself. That’s why I haven’t liked motherhood.

I get that this is just a season and many other seasons will come and go and it’s all a matter of finding balance. But, for so long I’ve needed to admit to myself and to others that I have been in a “not liking motherhood” season. I have wallowed deeper and deeper into not liking motherhood and the horrible guilt that comes with it, that I have missed seeing so many beautiful moments with my family.

What’s even worse is I’ve been covering it up by trying so hard to be that “super mom” we all hear about. Pretty much since Rachel was born (2 years ago, mind you) I’ve felt this incredible need to “create” these super fun, amazing moments for my kids. I’ve wasted lots of time and money on projects or outings that have ended in frustration, tears, and failure. These are not the kinds of moments I want my kids to remember as they grow up. These are not the kinds of moments I want to remember having with my kids.

“Motherhood gets distorted when we as a culture forget that it’s not those big things that makes a difference when it’s often really the little things.” (Rachel Martin, findingjoy.net)

 

I stopped seeing the beauty of motherhood in its terrible days, lazy days, deliriously happy days. Most importantly (and with much grief) I’ve lost sight of WHO my girls (and husband for that matter) are. This makes me sad. They don’t need fancy games, the coolest clothes, or all sorts of weekly outings.

All they need right now (or ever) is Mom.

They need me to be there to watch their play they’ve been practicing in their room for an hour. They need me to put Band-Aids on their scrapes. They need me to encourage them when they’re skittish about starting swimming lessons for the first time.

And while sometimes that sucks the life out of me, I could do a much better job if I were just willing to 1) admit that there are some days I just don’t like motherhood , 2) take care of myself, 3) stop trying to cover up by being “super mom”, and 4) allow the room for grace. I know there would be more time for laughter, joy, and moments that my girls will remember years from now. In all this would be the ability to more clearly see the good even in the not-so-good motherhood days.